Everyone goes through periods of doubt in their lives. It wouldn't be normal not to doubt something important. Here's my problem: I'm doubting if I want to become a dentist anymore. I'm doubting whether or not this is the right career path for me.
I've been in school since I was 4 years old. Always been in school. Went through gradeschool, to highschool, to college for 4 years, to graduate school for 2 more, and now I'm in my 3rd year of professional school. So, I'm beginning to feel "schooled out". I find myself constantly feeling like I just want my life to start. I'm sick of it just being on hold while I go to school. Yes, good things do come to those who wait, but I'm getting impatient. I'm getting sick of waiting and waiting. I honestly just want to live my life. I want to wake up and not have to worry about exams coming up, or what to study for that day, or what paperwork I have to give to what professor to be allowed to do that dental procedure planned. I want to wake up, make breakfast for my family, take care of my son while he's still this young, and send him off to school when he gets old enough. I want to do the shopping, clean the house, but not have to worry about other things in the back of my mind. Okay, sounds a little cliche that I'm sitting here saying I want to be a housewife. After all, isn't this what all those women in the past have fought to abolish?
At the root of this problem is the fact that I am so sick of my dental school. Endless circles of paperwork, instead of just going ahead and doing what we are supposed to be doing. And its different because in a real dentist's office, there are secretaries and such to take care of the paperwork and insurance verification. I dont have to think about it. Yet, here at dental school, I do. It's half the freaking battle! Then you are lucky if you can get a chair to see said patient. Then, it becomes a matter of payment...and that's if they show up for the scheduled appointment. Sigh, it just sucks all of the energy from you and leaves you exhausted from the moment you wake up until your head hits the pillow at night. I really am fed up with the way my school is acting. They are doing nothing to resolve these issues, except blame us students for the chair issue and say we need to watch how we schedule our patients. Really? Then how come when our class president crunched the numbers, for the past week in the clinic the seniors had about 87% of the chairs, while us poor juniors were left with 13%. We wake up at 6 am to get to school to sign up on our waitlist in hopes of getting a chair to see our patient. We come in on weekends just for the possibility of having a chair reserved so we don't have to deal with a waitlist. This is ridiculous! No student should have to resort to these measures to make sure they graduate on time. No one should have to deal with this.
Tomorrow is the big day, well, so to speak. Tomorrow I email the professor from another dental school to check up on my inquiry about a transfer. Yes, I said it, transfer. One has to realize where to draw the line, and it isn't just the fact that my school is crazy and insane. Its also the fact that I hate, absolutely hate being so far away from my son and my family. You need family in your life, you need that comfort and that support. And knowing that it would take 8 hours to get to them really takes a toll on a person physically and mentally. So I gave in. I am trying to get the hell out of this place and back closer to home. It would make me feel so much more at ease, and maybe I could concentrate better on my studies. As of right now I don't even want to look at a book. I just can't focus on it because of the distance, because of all the issues in front of me. And midterms arent far away, which is beginning to make me nervous. I want to do the best I can, but I don't want to compromise myself either.
So back to the original topic, doubt. I doubt if I want to do all of this, if it really is all worth it. Back when I started college I actually wanted to be a hygienist, not a dentist. But I felt pressured from my advisor, my family to go that extra mile and become a dentist. Yes, I would get the freedom to pick my hours, do more procedures, things like that. But you have to know yourself. And I don't know if this is me anymore. Maybe it was once. Maybe it still is. I dont know. Im scared, Im afraid, Im terrified once I graduate because then I'll be done. I'll be done with school, but on my own completely. I feel totally unprepared for the real world. I doubt if I have the strength to go through it all. But I've already put in the effort and time, so I gotta find it within myself to push it and see it through. When I am done then I can choose where I want to be, what I want to do, how often I want to work. I just hate my current school soooo much, I pray that tomorrow brings good news.
For those who read this, thank you. I'll keep you posted :)
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