Everyone goes through periods of doubt in their lives. It wouldn't be normal not to doubt something important. Here's my problem: I'm doubting if I want to become a dentist anymore. I'm doubting whether or not this is the right career path for me.
I've been in school since I was 4 years old. Always been in school. Went through gradeschool, to highschool, to college for 4 years, to graduate school for 2 more, and now I'm in my 3rd year of professional school. So, I'm beginning to feel "schooled out". I find myself constantly feeling like I just want my life to start. I'm sick of it just being on hold while I go to school. Yes, good things do come to those who wait, but I'm getting impatient. I'm getting sick of waiting and waiting. I honestly just want to live my life. I want to wake up and not have to worry about exams coming up, or what to study for that day, or what paperwork I have to give to what professor to be allowed to do that dental procedure planned. I want to wake up, make breakfast for my family, take care of my son while he's still this young, and send him off to school when he gets old enough. I want to do the shopping, clean the house, but not have to worry about other things in the back of my mind. Okay, sounds a little cliche that I'm sitting here saying I want to be a housewife. After all, isn't this what all those women in the past have fought to abolish?
At the root of this problem is the fact that I am so sick of my dental school. Endless circles of paperwork, instead of just going ahead and doing what we are supposed to be doing. And its different because in a real dentist's office, there are secretaries and such to take care of the paperwork and insurance verification. I dont have to think about it. Yet, here at dental school, I do. It's half the freaking battle! Then you are lucky if you can get a chair to see said patient. Then, it becomes a matter of payment...and that's if they show up for the scheduled appointment. Sigh, it just sucks all of the energy from you and leaves you exhausted from the moment you wake up until your head hits the pillow at night. I really am fed up with the way my school is acting. They are doing nothing to resolve these issues, except blame us students for the chair issue and say we need to watch how we schedule our patients. Really? Then how come when our class president crunched the numbers, for the past week in the clinic the seniors had about 87% of the chairs, while us poor juniors were left with 13%. We wake up at 6 am to get to school to sign up on our waitlist in hopes of getting a chair to see our patient. We come in on weekends just for the possibility of having a chair reserved so we don't have to deal with a waitlist. This is ridiculous! No student should have to resort to these measures to make sure they graduate on time. No one should have to deal with this.
Tomorrow is the big day, well, so to speak. Tomorrow I email the professor from another dental school to check up on my inquiry about a transfer. Yes, I said it, transfer. One has to realize where to draw the line, and it isn't just the fact that my school is crazy and insane. Its also the fact that I hate, absolutely hate being so far away from my son and my family. You need family in your life, you need that comfort and that support. And knowing that it would take 8 hours to get to them really takes a toll on a person physically and mentally. So I gave in. I am trying to get the hell out of this place and back closer to home. It would make me feel so much more at ease, and maybe I could concentrate better on my studies. As of right now I don't even want to look at a book. I just can't focus on it because of the distance, because of all the issues in front of me. And midterms arent far away, which is beginning to make me nervous. I want to do the best I can, but I don't want to compromise myself either.
So back to the original topic, doubt. I doubt if I want to do all of this, if it really is all worth it. Back when I started college I actually wanted to be a hygienist, not a dentist. But I felt pressured from my advisor, my family to go that extra mile and become a dentist. Yes, I would get the freedom to pick my hours, do more procedures, things like that. But you have to know yourself. And I don't know if this is me anymore. Maybe it was once. Maybe it still is. I dont know. Im scared, Im afraid, Im terrified once I graduate because then I'll be done. I'll be done with school, but on my own completely. I feel totally unprepared for the real world. I doubt if I have the strength to go through it all. But I've already put in the effort and time, so I gotta find it within myself to push it and see it through. When I am done then I can choose where I want to be, what I want to do, how often I want to work. I just hate my current school soooo much, I pray that tomorrow brings good news.
For those who read this, thank you. I'll keep you posted :)
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
The Beginning
Okay, so this whole world of blogging has intrigued me. Now here I am, putting myself out there for those to read. I figured that there is so much to me, so much about me, so this first entry will be a little bit about me, about my life.
Im a young adult, living on my own, and have been doing so since I moved out of my parents' house to go to college. I must say that I have been doing the best that I can under the circumstances. Currently I am attending Dental School, trying to graduate on time and become a dentist out there for the community. Hence the title of my blog. The other piece of the puzzle comes from the fact that I am a single mother of a little boy. I entered into my first year of dental school pregnant, and had the sunshine of my life in my first semester. A lot has happened since then and now.
I won't normally put out such long blogs, but because this is the first, this will be probably one of the longest to come.
Struggling through the first few years of dental school, I did what I could to support my family. But things began to take its toll. My relationship of 9 years fell apart before my eyes, and I couldn't do much to salvage it. He left not too long ago, moved back in with his parents. And, because of how taxing professional school can be, and with what I had just dealt with, my son went to live with him. We have agreed on joint custody, every other month or so. But what kills me is the fact that my school schedule makes that very difficult to follow. Midterms are coming up, so its either fail those and see my son, or go through another month without him so I can push through. I tell myself that this is all for him, that once I graduate and have a job that he won't have anything to worry about like I did growing up. But I'm always going to have those days where I want him here with me, no matter what.
Being alone and going to school is a hard thing to deal with, especially when you've always had someone around you, someone to come home to, someone to love you. It hasn't been that long since it "all went down". Only a few months have passed. And what I feel hurts the most is the distance. I am hours and hours away from my son, and my own family. My family....I use that in the relative sense of the term. To me, my family means we are related. End of story. I know they love me, and they want the best for me, but my childhood wasn't the most encouraging socially. So we don't talk, barely see each other, and thats just the way it was. Thats how it is. The one person that I know would've made it all better is my mom. But she isnt here anymore. Four years ago she lost her battle with ovarian cancer, and went on to a better place. There isn't a day that goes by that I wish she was here. We didn't really relate in the past. We had the whole, mother-daughter rebellion type relationship going on. I couldn't really relate to my mother the way that I saw other daughters relating to their mothers. Now that I'm older, and a mother myself, I feel like I need her more than ever. But she's not there to talk to, to see, to hug, to say 'I love you' to. That's a hard pill to swallow.
So here's the whole point of this blog.....I just want to talk. To talk to others that have been in my situation, who have advice to give..and if I can give advice I will. Day to day activities will be posted, but don't worry, you won't have to hear about what I ate or how long I slept. Nothing that mundane. Stresses from school, family, life, everything that I feel I want said I will say. Of course, things will be "dental related", from time to time. So that's a short introduction to me, to my world. More to come in the future. Who knows where this will take us. I welcome the journey.
Im a young adult, living on my own, and have been doing so since I moved out of my parents' house to go to college. I must say that I have been doing the best that I can under the circumstances. Currently I am attending Dental School, trying to graduate on time and become a dentist out there for the community. Hence the title of my blog. The other piece of the puzzle comes from the fact that I am a single mother of a little boy. I entered into my first year of dental school pregnant, and had the sunshine of my life in my first semester. A lot has happened since then and now.
I won't normally put out such long blogs, but because this is the first, this will be probably one of the longest to come.
Struggling through the first few years of dental school, I did what I could to support my family. But things began to take its toll. My relationship of 9 years fell apart before my eyes, and I couldn't do much to salvage it. He left not too long ago, moved back in with his parents. And, because of how taxing professional school can be, and with what I had just dealt with, my son went to live with him. We have agreed on joint custody, every other month or so. But what kills me is the fact that my school schedule makes that very difficult to follow. Midterms are coming up, so its either fail those and see my son, or go through another month without him so I can push through. I tell myself that this is all for him, that once I graduate and have a job that he won't have anything to worry about like I did growing up. But I'm always going to have those days where I want him here with me, no matter what.
Being alone and going to school is a hard thing to deal with, especially when you've always had someone around you, someone to come home to, someone to love you. It hasn't been that long since it "all went down". Only a few months have passed. And what I feel hurts the most is the distance. I am hours and hours away from my son, and my own family. My family....I use that in the relative sense of the term. To me, my family means we are related. End of story. I know they love me, and they want the best for me, but my childhood wasn't the most encouraging socially. So we don't talk, barely see each other, and thats just the way it was. Thats how it is. The one person that I know would've made it all better is my mom. But she isnt here anymore. Four years ago she lost her battle with ovarian cancer, and went on to a better place. There isn't a day that goes by that I wish she was here. We didn't really relate in the past. We had the whole, mother-daughter rebellion type relationship going on. I couldn't really relate to my mother the way that I saw other daughters relating to their mothers. Now that I'm older, and a mother myself, I feel like I need her more than ever. But she's not there to talk to, to see, to hug, to say 'I love you' to. That's a hard pill to swallow.
So here's the whole point of this blog.....I just want to talk. To talk to others that have been in my situation, who have advice to give..and if I can give advice I will. Day to day activities will be posted, but don't worry, you won't have to hear about what I ate or how long I slept. Nothing that mundane. Stresses from school, family, life, everything that I feel I want said I will say. Of course, things will be "dental related", from time to time. So that's a short introduction to me, to my world. More to come in the future. Who knows where this will take us. I welcome the journey.
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